So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
