I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
