I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Randomize
