i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
