I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
