he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
