If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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