she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
