College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
