There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
