I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
