The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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