Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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