Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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