he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
