I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Randomize
