Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Randomize
