also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
