Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
