therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I need to stop coming to work sober
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
