i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
