I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
