I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
