Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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