Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
