420 ftw
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
