Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
