I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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