shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Randomize
