dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
