Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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