my mouth tastes like poor choices
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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