I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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