i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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