you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
