someone get that fucking seahorse.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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