Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
