One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
