The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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