So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
