i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
