i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
