Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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