Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
