Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
