Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
