I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
it's great music for shaving your balls
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
At least life still wants to fuck me.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
