did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize