whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
