all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
