My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize