I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
