I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
