the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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