jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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