if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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