Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
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