i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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