We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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