my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
