we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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