my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
