we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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