I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I'm really busy with my period
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