He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I am midnight drunk by noon
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize