I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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